It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
