We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
