I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Randomize
