And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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