did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize
