I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
