Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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