I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We left the knife in your bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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