I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
