I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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