I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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