I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
