We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
