Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
