My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
