Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
