dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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