We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
