He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
