so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
