I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
