just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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