I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
