I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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