watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He kissed a someone with a penis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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