Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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