oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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