girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
