first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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