So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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