I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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