What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
