You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
