im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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