GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
