i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
