First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
