I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my being single is dangerous.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
