dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
