I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
