she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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