i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
