so explain again why im purple
no
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
