Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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