Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
