If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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