sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
