I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
