I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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