What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
