Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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